Except Andria every now and then…

I am fighting off some demons in my life: jealousy & negativity

The jealousy is really becoming an issue. It has moved from jealousy towards a bitterness. And it all stems from my discontentment. I am so ready to wish away the next few years of my life. I keep asking myself, when will it be my turn, how is this fair? I cannot seem to find happiness with where I am at right now: a 19 year old girl with a below minimum wage job that requires more than minimum wage effort, a college sophomore with no hope of graduating early and stuck at a college that I don’t want to be at, a girl who is too grown up for her own good and ready to be on her own. I see all my high school and college friends; they all have houses for the summer, are studying abroad, working camps, living on their own, getting married. Here I am, living at home with nothing special to do, nowhere fun to be , nothing exciting to accomplish. This should be the time of my life, yet all I can think of is finding a fast-forward button or being someone else. It haunts and tortures me.

The negativity I am dealing with is fairly obvious. I have plenty of things to be positive about in my life as it is. The only thing I really have to pay for is gas; my mom always gives me money for everything, though, even if I don’t ask. No rent, no groceries, no fiscal worries. I have a reliable car that I paid nothing for (which, if you knew about my old car, is a huge deal to me). I have achieved one of my biggest dreams in life. But all I can think about is the way I thought my life would be at this point and how completely different my life actually is.

It’s my struggle, and I don’t blame anyone for the way things have changed over the past year for me. I don’t hold a grudge, I rarely have regrets, and I try to remember the financial burden that has been lifted off my parents and my future self. I guess part of it was that I left with some unrealistic expectations and some lofty hopes. It’s back to reality and the same-old, same-old for me.

And it’s the latter that I hate so much.